How to Make America a Better Place

There’s one simple thing that could easily improve the quality of life in America: everyone needs to adopt an accent from the UK.  I mean, how cool are their accents? (Although I’m still up in the air about Welsh…) My sister recently showed me some episodes of the British show Dr. Who, where the actors/characters have a variety of neat accents, and I realized that’s what America was missing- cool accents.  Sure, there are various and sundry accents found around the US, but none could really be considered “cool.”  Think about this for a moment- whenever some sort of American accent is used in a movie, it is almost always to mock the ridiculousness of it or create a caricature of the people with that particular accent.  People don’t use American accents in the media because they sound cool, they use them because they often sound silly.  Now UK accents- that’s a whole different story.  I mean, those are really cool.  Some sound intelligent, others just sound fun.  Half of them don’t even pronounce the letter “r,” and yet they still sound way smarter than any American.  People in America must have had British-ish accents at some point in US history, for a lot of Americans came to the colonies from England.  Unfortunately we the people decided to change everything from the side of the road we drive on to the spelling of "colour" and "favourite," and apparently the accents just had to change too.  Well, we won the war, but we lost the cool accents.  You win some, you lose some...  One that the British definitely won was representation in movies; for every movie in the English speaking world involving fantasy, history or royalty, regardless of the country in which it takes place, the accent of choice is usually British or Scottish.  And there’s a reason for that.  It’s because they sound frickin’ awesome.

I would just like to take this moment and thank everyone who has come to America from the UK (and Ireland- Irish accents rock too)- we appreciate the auditory contribution to our country.  And to all of the cool-accent-lacking Americans out there: let’s create an accent revolution, and make America a pleasant place to listen to.  And God Save the Queen.

The Trials of a Dysfunctional Baker

Not everyone can bake delicious treats.  For some of us, it can be difficult to follow even the simplest of directions on the back of a friendly-looking box full of a sugary mix.  Even though it appears to be broken down into 3 simple steps even a child could follow, there are still some of us out here who cannot seem to ever get it right.  For example, when the cake mix says to add 1 ¼ cups of water, ½ cup of butter and 3 eggs, someone who is bakingly-challenged may forget to add said water.  And this may result in a very puzzling situation where the batter keeps sticking to the mixers and clumping instead of actually mixing like it does when those who can actually bake do it.  And for those who happen to find themselves in this situation and realize their mistake after finally reviewing the box directions, they quickly learn that adding the water after the mixing has occurred is a little more difficult.  Let’s just say that cake batter is not discriminatory and will cover everything from the countertop to the cabinets to a kitchen chair…and will also get all over the unfortunate baker.  If, let’s just say for example that I may have done something like this…then I would have found cake batter all over me…like on my arm…my cheek…my nose…my other arm…BUT there is good news that can come out of a mistake.  For example, this particular cake got rave reviews from my family, and I was appointed to make the next cake too.  Which I also made quite well.  So bakingly-challenged folks- hold out hope.  Even when you forget the water, add twice as much butter, or accidentally omit the chocolate chips in chocolate chip cookies, it might turn out ok.  But I wouldn’t bet on it.

           

Very Important Side Note: Because cake means so much to me and my family (for my family it’s because cake is delicious and for me it’s because baking the cake takes at least 4 hours), we started a campaign to prevent the horrific damage that candles cause to cake.  So for everyone out there who has a birthday, anniversary, or graduation coming up, just hold the candles.  Hold the candles yourself, and save the cake.

(The picture features us holding the candles and the two cakes we saved, “birthday cake” and “another cake”)

"A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank" -Author Unknown

Now that the weather is (slowly) getting warmer, it is the perfect time to bring up a wonderful activity that almost anyone can take part in- walking.  The benefits of walking include a clearer mind, a desire to eat healthy vegetables, the ability to fly and a chance to do some window-shopping.  These (made-up) benefits of walking can be achieved by many people, as there are several different styles of walking out there to fit everyone’s needs or ability.

1.     The Pull/Chase- this first style is most commonly used by parents, babysitters or siblings to accompany small children on a walk.  It involves an intense amount of physical activity, pushing tired children in a stroller, pulling grumpy children along, and chasing hyperactive children down the road while shouting apologies to the neighbor whose flowers he/she just trampled.  This is a wonderful way to achieve a high amount of exercise, but not very helpful in the tranquility department.  (Note: The Pull/Chase walk can also be done by substituting animals for children, dogs are suggested)

2.     Power Walking- this option must always be done in pairs, and while dressed in semi-ridiculous attire (leggings, long t-shirt, headband, big sneakers).  You must walk very quickly while taking small strides and swinging your arms side to side.  The purpose of this walking style is to chat with a friend while exercising, and simultaneously amusing everyone whom you walk by.  Please try this.  Because it will make my day.

3.     Destination Walking- this style is all about practicality.  You have to get somewhere, and you walk.  Usually this is implemented when doing tasks like getting the mail, or parking somewhere and walking inside.  …Basically you walk to a destination.  This is a handy skill to have- everyone should keep it in his or her repertoire.

4.     Solitary- this one is my favorite.  You take a half hour and just walk by yourself.  Personally I like to listen to music, but the music’s optional.  This style is good for thinking, and also provides a good excuse when someone’s trying to get in touch with you and you want to ignore them…but mostly it’s just a good way to collect your thoughts in peace.

5.     Any combination of the above- since all of the styles listed above have their own advantages and disadvantages, sometimes it’s fun to combine a couple together.  For instance, you could combine Destination walking with Power Walking, in order to get in and out of that pharmacy very quickly, all the while catching up with Lisa about her kids and looking like a fool.  Or you could try the Pull/Chase and the Solitary style…although there might be some conflict that arises between the along time and the pulling/chasing of children…but it could be a fun challenge!  Try your own combinations and see what fun walking styles you can come up with.

Tips to Improve Your Weekly Laugh Quotient

[The following are suggestions to increase the amount of laughter that you produce in any given week, and the quality of that laughter.]

1. Buy one of those big bouncy balls, you know the ones that are sometimes used for exercise (but mostly just used for sitting and bouncing up and down). Since humans are imperfect, and things that can go wrong often will, trying to sit on one of these exercise balls usually winds up being a perfect example of the humor inherent in slapstick. My family owns one of these exercise balls, and it pays off everyday as I fall off of it and hit random pieces of furniture. If you’re extremely uncoordinated, you might even manage to create new acrobatic stunts as you fall to the floor. Really, a giant bouncy ball is guaranteed to provide humor and laughter.


2. Hang out with/listen to young children. They really do say the darndest things.

3. Dance like no one’s watching. Or better yet, actually dance where no one is watching. The best way to do this is go to a room by yourself, preferably one with a large mirror, turn up some loud tunes with a really good beat, shout your own version of the lyrics really enthusiastically with no sense of pitch, and jump up and down like a crazy person. Now this whole thing doesn’t really work unless you really dance like no one’s watching; don’t pretend you’re at a club, or a school dance, this works only when you’re trying to impress no one. If you follow these simple guidelines, you will definitely laugh at yourself- I always do. Actually, everyone laughs at me when I dance so…well, try it anyway.


4. Read Bossypants. It’s one of those books that when you’re reading in a public place you try not to laugh out loud and you end up making a strangled sound in your throat, and then you kind of snort and you end up rocking back and forth in the corner of some small café with your hand over your nose and mouth to prevent any further awkward sounds. So if the book doesn’t get you, your awful attempt at withholding laughter will.


5. Find that time in the day when you, your friends, or your family members, start to lose it. This is known as “Laughter Delirium.” Everyone has a time or a place, or a combination (for example, every time my family goes out to dinner), where suddenly everything becomes funny. Even the smallest pun or noise suggestive of gas will set everyone a-laughing. You need to take advantage of this time. Monopolize it. Get as much laughter out of this semi-febrile state as possible. Usually this Laughter Delirium ends as someone, clearly not experiencing the same laughter-euphoria that you are, tells you to quiet down and stop your shrill laughter Kimberly! Ok, that part’s just because of my over-the-top Amy Poehler style cackle, but you get the drift. After you lose the momentum of this laugh, you can still reminisce about the things that happened during your laugh-high, but it’s hard to recreate the feeling. So find this moment, wherever it may be for you and your companions, and use it to increase your overall laughter.

A Modern Chicken/Egg: Which Came First, the Inhaler or Dorkiness?

Recently, as I was struggling to breathe, I thought of a topic near and dear to my heart- the portrayal of asthmatics in the media.  For some reason, unbeknownst to me, in television shows and movies, the dorkiest kid always has an inhaler which he/she (usually a he) uses when the situation starts to unravel.  Also he often has his pants pulled up to his navel, which has got to be uncomfortable.  As an asthmatic, who’s also a female, I have a problem with this.  Why is asthma being associated with dorks?  There’s nothing about being obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons, having a pocket protector or speaking in a made-up space language that causes asthma.  So why do dorky characters carry around inhalers right next to their TI-84 calculators?  Because the vulnerability of not being able to breathe endears the characters to the viewers hearts?  …No, that’s probably not it.  But for some reason the asthma inhaler represents this social inept nerd, who for some reason is almost always a boy, who loses his ability to breathe in stressful situations.  So for anyone out there who isn’t an asthmatic, here’s the truth: 1) girls have asthma too 2) pocket protectors are not a common cause of asthma, nor is a strange fondness for Star Trek a common symptom of asthma (if this proves too confusing for you, check it out on webMD) 3) Asthmatics don’t have a predisposition to wear their pants really high- that’s exclusively asthmatic nerds.

So, I hope that all you non-asthmatics out there realize now that asthmatics are just regular people who suffer through coughing attacks when someone is smoking 20 yards away, or who wheeze when the seasons change, or who need the school nurse to sign a note saying they can keep their inhaler in their backpack.  And all you asthmatics out there who have been misrepresented by the media for years, take a puff of your inhaler (remember, breathe in slowly, hold it in for a count of ten, release and repeat), and say proudly “I’m an asthmatic, I have an inhaler, and I don’t even know how to play Dungeons and Dragons!”

New England's Weather aka Disappointment and Ice Cream

BREAKING NEWS: it has finally reached a temperature in New England that I would actually classify as “spring.”  This is a big deal, because I had officially given up hope that this day would ever come.  It is not uncommon in lil’ New England to sometimes skip from snow and 35° to a sweltering 98° (boy band reference), and this transition usually happens in the middle of July.  So imagine my surprise to find myself totally comfortable outside on a gorgeous spring day.  Because if there is one thing New England is not- it’s comfortable (oh, and populated).  If we get lucky sometimes there are two weeks of spring and two weeks of fall, and everyone gets outside and gets a couple freckles on their white Irish skin, then heads back inside for the unexpected heat of the summer and the dreaded frigid winter.  I’m sure people up in Minnesota or Montana, or any other one of those northern “M” states suffer through a similar thing, but I can’t complain for them.  I’m only complaining on behalf of New Englanders in creaky, old, historic houses sniffling through cold winters (lasting from October-April).  This awful weather for a good ¾ of the year leads to crazed people struggling to hold on to anything that reminds them of good times, and that happens to be ice cream.  Once ice cream shops open, not even snow can stop people from grabbing frozen deliciousness perched on a sugar cone (true story- people will brave snow to get ice cream).  I mean, the region has the highest amount of ice cream consumption per capita, and that’s for a reason people.  We’ve got to celebrate when we can.  So weather rant over, I am super happy about the strange turn of events resulting in a New England spring.  Thanks global warming!

Mmmmm, delicious

I had a an awesome veggie burger for dinner tonight- healthy and delicious!